If you’re a strong 7 out of 10 in the US in terms of looks, prepare to get your feelings hurt in Norway. Walking out of the airport, looking trodden and crusty from your travels, you don’t expect to be greeted by 6-foot tall supermodels in orange vests. That’s right, you’re in Bergen, where even the airport employees could land an acting job in LA. You immediately want to befriend them, only to find that they have little time for small talk. Plus, they’re a little quirky. You see Norwegian children rolling around on the ground at the airport – a disturbing sight for someone that has seen the floors at Newark airport. You notice the older Norwegians scarfing down chocolate like they have the metabolism of a twelve-year old, but they all still look like GymShark ambassadors. You immediately re-download Tinder.
Your first stop is the hotel, sponsored by your university because you ain’t paying for that bougie life yourself. It’s the Radisson Blu Hotel, right next to Bryggen, the wharf with the pretty houses. You can smell the fish market from your room, but it’s not entirely unwelcome – smoked salmon and fresh langoustine is on the menu for tonight!
Sponsored by your university because you ain’t paying for that bougie life yourself.
After feasting, you’re ready to explore the nightlife. But it’s a Wednesday, how are you supposed to know what’s popping? Your trusty tour group says that they’re headed to Vaskeriet – a local club. You arrive, ask the bartender for an ~off menu~ drink, his specialty (it tastes like a Fruit Roll Up). Then you get to the main room and stare incredulously as a bunch of tall Norwegians sway melodically to no music. They all have large headphones on. You then realize that you’re at a silent disco and are officially a mobile clubber.
Technology has gone too far; you can’t even sing the words to your favorite songs without being horrendously out of tune while those without headphones can hear your every note. Fortunately, you can still dance your heart out.
Finally, a day of sunshine! No more cold rain and industrial-strength hotel umbrellas. You decide to hike up Mount Floyen to get an amazing view of the fjords and the city. You’re huffing and puffing up a steep hill when all of the sudden, fourteen teeny-boppers run by you. There’s a KINDERGARTEN up here – these kids are future Olympians for making this trek everyday. You consider taking the funicular the rest of the way – no one will know you cheated!
You are almost to the top when you see a hulking creature in the distance. What is that? You thought the Yeti only existed in the Himalayas! Whew, it’s just a giant statue of a troll. Norwegians love trolls for some reason – kind of like the ones in Frozen but much more gnarly up close. You take a picture with it and then admire the view.
After a few more activities, including a fjord cruise, an art museum, and a stroll through the various parks, you’re ready to head back home. You buy a bunch of duty-free Norwegian chocolate and try to forget the $30 you spent on Chinese food. But it was worth it – because there’s Norway to have a bad time in Bergen.
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