I don’t know about y’all, but I can hear those sleigh bells not only ringing, but jing ting tingaling, too. Such a bizarre combination can only mean one thing: it’s Christmas time, friends. Or Holiday time, or solstice time, or end of the year time–whatever the last days of December mean for you. In the Hamilton house, we’re on that Christmas creep as soon as we’re done with the Thanksgiving turkey, which makes this holiday the very dearest in my lil heart. Since it is so important to me, that means it carries with it all kinds of emotions, all of which often lead to crying in one way or another, especially if travel is involved.
Are you a fellow member of the crying club? You’re always welcome. Enjoy these 13 innovative Christmas cries:
1. Don’t celebrate Christmas? Lock the door, shutter the windows, and cry directly onto every electronic device that connects you to the outside world. Don’t stop until they’re thoroughly drowned; make the speakers spark. Congratulations! Christmas can never find you now.
2. Alternatively, save yourself from pesky wrapping paper cuts by letting your tears fall directly on your gifts, then dragging the paper off with your palms like sopping paper-mache. Very satisfying, very soggy. Its own kind of peel porn.
3. Family problems? Create a diversion. Your racist uncle started talking about “those people” again, and the conversation is going south. That’s your cue to bring on the waterworks–choke on phlegm and pass out. That’ll show him.
4. Good news, no more dry turkey breast at this year’s Christmas dinner! Baste the bird in salty, salty tears, plop that bronzed beauty on the table, and wait for the compliments to roll in. Ina Garten taught me that one.
5. In between presents, upload a cry session as a twenty-five-part Instagram story. Your followers will thank you for the spectacle, a mental palate cleanser from the overwhelming holly jolly holiday content. It’ll be the key to making 2019 your year when it comes to social media
6. As you sniffle, let the mucus run down and coat your vocal chords until they’re slick and supple enough to match the high notes in Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You. Vocal coaches won’t believe their ears. A holiday miracle!
7. Far from home and feeling sad? On the 21st, cry your holiday homesickness into a shallow basin, carry it out into the moonlight, and stare. Winter solstice magic might just make your family appear Mirror of Erised-style on the surface. Don’t touch, though, or the ripples could make them disappear. Skype is so 2018.
8. Cry into the eggnog. Maybe now it will taste okay?
9. Here’s a solution for those looking for an intimate 25th without unwanted guests banging on the door. Go outside the night of the 24th and get to sobbing. Cover the whole street in a good couple inches of tearfall, until it’s too frozen and icy to drive in the morning. The city will be forced to close off the road. Problem solved. Grinch mode engaged.
10. Wail hard when you hug your family in the airport so that your mother feels so overcome with emotion that she offers to pay for your plane ticket. Cha-ching.
11. Force everyone to watch It’s a Wonderful Life over and over until each and every one of you is in tears, and the emotional vulnerability finally allows y’all to break through your toxic interpersonal relationships. It’s time to talk it out. Merry Christmas.
12. Though it was weeks ago, cry into a glass and then pour one out for Hannukah. Let’s hear it for the Maccabees and their eight holy days versus one glitzy, commercialized day. Mmm, salty.
13. Go to Disneyworld while all those other poor saps are gathered around their fire-hazard fir trees, and wipe away a tear of joy at the sight of all those short lines. High-five Mickey. He knows what’s up.
I hope we’ve all learned something here. May you all have a wonderful holiday season, whatever you do and don’t celebrate, and I’ll see you again in 2019!
Will you be crying this holiday season? Tell me all about it in the comments.
Happy travels, y’all!