Ah, airports. The Twilight Zone of travel. Where else could you find businesswomen sipping espresso in pantsuits and tennis shoes, a man wearing a neck pillow with his 10 AM beer, and armed security with a bomb dog, all in one place? Look no farther than your favorite international hub.
There’s truly nothing like the where am I feeling of the passport check in layover number two, and nowhere else that can hit you with quite the same cocktail of boredom, anxiety, hope, and despair. It’s a situation made for tears. Trust me, I’m an experienced cryer.
So if you’re going to choke up, moisturize those eyes, and get to snifflin’, you might as well do it in style. Here are 13 ways to make that happen.
1. Tired of boring old white tissues to soak your snot? Hit up security with a packet of millennial-pink Kleenex to dab those ducts on trend. Still too dull? Don’t worry, you can always wipe your nose on minions.
2. When your flight is cancelled, wail to the tune of your favorite chart-topping bop. Dangerous Woman, for example, offers the perfect high notes to hit when your throat chokes out those classic mucus-filled squeaks.
3. Cry with friends! The more the merrier – bring the whole gate to tears. Forget flash mobs, 2019 is going to be all about the sob mob.
4. Wear your least water-resistant makeup to lend the appropriate level of drama to your lost baggage woes. Go for bright colors so that your mascara-streaked rainbow cheeks make the whole airport ask enviously, Who Is That?
5. If you’re jetlagged, greasy, and waiting for your last flight, you’re in shape to create your very own Leave Britney Alone video. Dig a yellowish towel out of your carry-on and drape it over a chair for the perfect backdrop. It’s been over a decade since the original. The time is ripe – go viral!
6. Bring an empty water bottle. Bidding adieu to your international lover doesn’t have to dehydrate you, just catch those goodbye tears in your bottle to have a little sip later on. Sure, it’ll be salty, but just mix it in your bloody mary. Delicious.
7. Miss your connection? No need to get bored as you wait another 6 hours for the next flight: find a good slick floor to cry on, and you’ve got yourself a slip n’ slide. Charge passing travelers a small fee to have a go, and maybe you’ll be able to afford a sandwich, too!
8. Empathize with the infants. While stuck in the no-mans-land of hour twelve of your fifteen-hour flight, go visit the screaming baby two rows back from you. Comfort the mother, and cry with the infant. Time is an illusion. Nothing is real.
9. When your back hurts, your stomach’s turning, and the seat in front of you just reclined into your personal space, walk up to first class and seal the exits. Then cry and cry. Drown the rich in their $20,000 seats. The revolution has begun.
10. Alternatively, get yourself upgraded to first class. Put those tears to work by sobbing yourself unconscious in front of your preferred gate agent. Go for whoever looks the most easily flustered by raw emotion – typically a man. Don’t blame me, fellas. Society let y’all down. Come to my place, and we’ll cry about it together.
11. Similar to the slip n’ slide idea, cry yourself a nice bath. Find a rain jacket or poncho, drape it over a ring of chairs, and let those tears fall until you can take a dip. Arrange it next to a sunny window for warmth, and soon you’ll be thinking, hot springs who?
12. Live out your Disney dreams. Any chance your tears have the same healing power as Rapunzel? Find a kid with a papercut and find out. On the upside, you’ll finally have the answer to that burning question. On the downside, you may get kicked out of the airport by a concerned parent.
13. Tearing up about the end of your study abroad? Write a 500-1000 word piece on it to submit to Shut Up and Go for fame, glory, and Instagram followers. Join the family. We have 4-ply facial tissues.
When’s the last time you had a nice cry? Tell me all about it in the comments. I think we could all benefit from a little group therapy.